Grapes are eaten one by one

My father has a fondness for proverbs.

Okay, let me clarify. My father is an Arab man over the age of 20 so it goes without saying that he has a fondness for proverbs.

He uses them often. Mainly Arabic proverbs, but Dad has been known to venture into other regions.

Like this one from Sweden "Friendship doubles our joy and divides our grief."  That's a nice one right? It gets to the point. It has a nice message.  I mean most proverbs have a good message. But this one has a nice message. I feel cozy just reading it.

Many proverbs are like that. The get to the point. Using as few words as possible. Because that's the idea. We want to remember them so that we may draw upon them in times of strife when teaching our children or addressing our constituents or however we choose to pass along these nuggets of wisdom. If you can't remember a proverb because it's too long or convoluted, chances are you won't use it.  Now, a lot of proverbs don't originate in English, but instead are translated. And still they stay succinct and to the point (see above Swedish example.)

However, many proverbs don't enjoy the same conciseness.  And I'm sorry to say, many of these are Arabic proverbs...Before you accuse me of being anti-Arab just take a look at the title of this blog. I'm the one who hates Leban, remember. So take me with a grain of salt. But bear with me.

Arabic is a language known for being flowery and adding embellishments to a simple statement.  And usually when something goes from Arabic to English, you lose something in the translation. Therefore the simple statement of "Drop Dead" becomes the following:

"May the fleas of a thousand angry camels infest your mother's nostrils" 

or something like that....I exaggerate. I believe the phrase was:

"May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits"

But I'm sure you see my point.  Maybe this is the reason Arabs get the reputation of being passionate (read: angry) But I'm going off topic.  I apologize. Let's just say, some Arabs are passionate. Some are angry. Some are both. Some are neither.

....Anyway, back to proverbs. I was talking about how English proverbs get to the point. Arabic ones...notsomuch. Let's dive into some examples.  English ones first:

EASY COME, EASY GO  - simple right? I get it. Things which come easy are easily lost. 

In Arabic it's WHAT COMES THIS WAY, GOES THIS WAY.

 ..I'm sorry...Which way?  This way? (points to left) or this way? (points to right.) Which frigging way!??

Is it like "In one ear and out the other?"  or is it "Things leave the way they come?"   Now I'm too stressed trying to figure this out and I miss the point!

Some Arabic proverbs are deliberately vague - A BETTER ONE IN ANOTHER ONE instead of the English -- BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME.  I give them points for staying universal. But it could mean anything! Why can't Arabic proverbs just be simple? Some are completely off in left field, like this one  - NOTHING IS FOR FREE, NOT EVEN BLINDNESS AND DEAFNESS....I'm not even going to try to analyze that.   The English version is the 'to-the-point' NO SUCH THING AS A FREE LUNCH. I know I want a free lunch. I don't really care to have blindness or deafness. And now I'm depressed, thinking of having my sight or sound taken away. So it's all a big mess.  Fine, I'll pay for my lunch. Small cost to have all your faculties intact. Is that what the point is...? I tried to ask my father about that particular one and even he couldn't give me a good answer. Actually, I should say, he answered me using a proverb: He told me in life when attempting anything, such as learning proverbs, GRAPES ARE EATEN ONE BY ONE. I was about to wrinkle my brows in my trademark look of dissatisfaction...when I realized I'd recently gotten botox and couldn't really move my face. ...NO, BUT SERIOUSLY, I realized this proverb is a good one. Grapes are eaten one by one. It's true!  It does conjure up an image. You're apt to remember it if you think about the succulent grapes you're biting into and how you can't shove a bunch in your mouth and not appear savage. It kinda works.Take your time. Why rush? I chuckled with delight to this happy realization, then realized that I my goal wasn't to uphold the Arabic proverbs, but to attack them for being vague and redundant.   So I got back to business.  The grapes saying was a fluke. Surely, there were more bad sayings. And I was going to uncover them. So I pressed further with my father. "Okay, Dad, what are some other sayings?" To this he listed three: THE BARBER OPENED UP HIS SHOP, HIS FIRST CUSTOMER WAS BALD. (To start the day off on the wrong foot) A THOUSAND CURSES DO NOT TEAR A ROBE (Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me A FIRE IN THE HEART, BUT NO TEAR IN THE EYE (To keep a stiff upper lip) I guess Dad was saving the best for last because all the Arabic versions of these are spot on. Specially the last one. I never understood what it meant to keep a stiff upper lip...unless you count what most women in Hollywood over 40 do to themselves with plastic surgery. I mean they look like ducks, am I right?...But again, I digress... Maybe there is something to these proverbs. They do paint a nice image and sometimes a strong visual is better than brevity. Take what is now becoming my favorite saying WE MENTIONED THE CAT, IT CAME BOUNDING. (Speak of the Devil) ....Well, cats are cuter than the devil. Got any fun proverbs of your own passed down in your family? Would love to hear them. --Sami

Iraqis take forever to say good-bye

Today I thought I'd just post on something which I once thought was merely a subjective observation, but which after a recent visit to my parents, I now know to be fact.  And that is:

Iraqi people take forever to say goodbye.

Please note this if you ever find yourself speaking to one on the phone, or standing next to one at a social gathering.

You can't just simply say 'goodbye....well you can. But there are stages.

STAGE I is where you stand up, thus signifying the end of the gathering.  Then one by one, everyone else stands up.

In STAGE II you go for the hug or handshake of the host or the most important person in the room (sometimes one and the same.)  This is where you say how great it was to see everyone.  How the dinner was the most delicious food you’ve ever tasted. Where do you find the time? Etc. etc.  The rest of the group must then follow suit. When EVERYONE has completed that activity, the group migrates slowly to the door.

You have now moved to STAGE III.

This is where -- if you're lucky, you make your way out, smiling and waving, get into your car and drive away.

If this is you: CONGRATULATIONS, MAZALTOV, MABROOK and GOOD ON YA!  You have managed to say goodbye in less than ten minutes.  You must be REALLY skilled at this.  That, or you are in fact an Iraqi imposter operating amidst a group of other imposters...Let's assume the former.

If, on the other hand you choose to really do it right, you will linger with the group at the door and make small talk -- perhaps things you didn't touch on during the gathering.  Such as, how your eldest son is doing at school, and does he really like the fencing club he belongs to.  Or, whether your cousin's youngest daughter will ever stop playing tennis on her roommate's Wii, long enough to start looking for a husband. 
Those kinds of questions.

This goes on for six more minutes. Then come the actual goodbyes:

"Goodbye sweetheart we hope to see you very soon!" 
“Yes, sweetheart we must do this again very soon”
“Very soon. Give your mother my best”
“I will, dear. You give your daughter a hug for me, and tell her to eat while she’s at college.  She doesn’t need to lose weight from stress.“
“By the way, did you hear about Yasmeen’s son’s fiancé? She was getting too fat so she had that operation where they put the band in your stomach…”

…..you get the point.

Which brings me to my own method of saying goodbye.

I’m actually downright perfunctory in my style.  I've been accused of being rude at times.  One time,  a woman told me that she turned away for one second and then turned back to find me gone and only a spinning chair left in my wake.  To be fair, this person was my boss and I was in fact at work eight hours longer than I had wanted to be on that particular day...but I digress.

My goodbye usually takes less than two seconds.
"Bye.” 
It’s clean.
Short.
To the point.
Ends with a pleasant ‘eee’ sound if you choose to draw it out…
I’m quite happy with it.

It's easy to say goodbye when you're face to face.  You can drop a few visual clues, such as looking at your watch or slinging your purse over your shoulder.  On the phone it's a bit more challenging.  Usually you have to do the "Soooo anyway" business.  This is pretty universal.  I believe Ellen DeGeneres did a routine about it. 
Which is why I won't. She's funnier than me.

Suffice it to say, it’s a transition out of your conversation and off the phone.
As in "Soooo anyway, I better get off the phone."  Or "Sooo anyway, I've got tons of ironing to do tonight."  Or "Sooo anyway...my cat seems to have started a small fire in my sock drawer."  That last one was made up -- I don't have a sock drawer.
……….
Sooo anyway, before this starts to ramble too much I will end this entry.

Goodbye. Thanks for reading. 
As always, thoughts and comments are welcome.**

**(I had to add that last part in order not to be too perfunctory)

A New Direction?

Okay,

I haven't been very good about posting to this blog for some time now. And some of you have noticed.  You ask me, 'What's going on?" Is your family not funny anymore?  Others have wondered why I don't comment on current topics, such as the liberation in Egypt and ongoing Qaddafi situation...and by the way, how come you see his name spelled so many different ways? As my friend said, "No dictator should be that irritating!" But I digress....

The point is, I started this blog to talk about what it's like growing up Arab in the United States.  When you're stuck in the middle. You're neither a 100 percent Arab - who loves the music of Um Kulthum and consuming baba Ghanouj (or as this blog suggests, Leban (ick).   Nor are you 100 percent American, who grew up with regular sit-down family dinners where you talk about your day.  Those lovely rituals which are now proving to be exteremly important to the emotional growth and well being of children - Take heed Arab parents!

And if you're an Arab girl, you get the added benefit of not being able to date until somewhere around your 21st birthday, when suddenly the clock begins ticking loudly toward your spinsterhood and you're hysterically encouraged to find someone, ANYONE!....and don't worry, he can probably get that hairy mole on his cheek removed.

...you see the dilemma we face?

And that's what the blog was originally going to be about. 

But recently my friend Melanie suggested I comment on current events even so far as to delve into religious topics.  Not being overly political, I told her I didn't feel comfortable doing so. And besides, I don't want to piss off anyone with a religious bend, one way or another. To this Melanie thumbed her perfect ski-slope nose and said, "What's the point, if you can't piss anyone off?" 

She really did thumb her nose. She has this irritating tendency to always draw attention to her tiny nose when she's around me. Like the time she insisted she had a zit and we had to pull out a magnifying mirror to see it, and it turned out to be a freckle perched cutely on the side. AND for the record, she talks a big game about me making my voice heard, when I don't see her ever publicly comment on anything remotely political herself. Last year she told our friend James Sanchez to cancel his spa retreat trip with his wife to Sedona, Arizona in protest of SB1070 on principal. She said it would be different if his last name were Smith and this way state officials would get the message. ...Come to think of it, why am I listening to Melanie?...

But she brings up a point.

And so I turn it to you guys --- because I'm indecisive and also because I want a scapegoat in case this idea blows up --- HA! See what I did? I used the words 'blow up' when discussing something about religion....That's the kinda stuff you're talking about right, Melanie?

 Is it time to get political-ish? Or keep the conversation about family and personal issues.

Oh, and my mother already weighed in, and said "You should write more serious things! No one wants to laugh at Arabs. People are tired of comedy." 

So there you go.  What do you guys think?

The New Moon

Happy Eid to all my Muslim friends. 

The respected elders spotted the crescent moon, which signifies the end of Ramadan and the beginning of  "Eid al-Fitr" (or the festival of fast-breaking) a joyous three-day holiday.

When I was little, I was very concerned about what happened if they DIDN'T see the crescent moon.  

Would they treat it like they do Groundhog Day? 

Think about it. If the groundhog didn't see his shadow we'd have six more weeks of winter right?  

Well, what would happen if the elders went out and the sky was dark? With no moon in sight?

Would this mean six more weeks of fasting???!   

My aunt Reema already looked dangerously frail already from 30 days of eating only at night. Six more weeks of fasting would surely be the end of her!...Or so my 8-year-old self thought.

And I became obsessed by the idea. 

The moon sighting was set to be on a Thursday.   So, on the Monday before, I announced that I would be camping in the backyard. And shortly after the sun set at 7:45, I went out with my Holly Hobby blanket and Snoopy pillow and set up on the lawn chair in the back. With a flashlight and binoculars...  and some graham crackers in case I got hungry. I leaned back in my chair and stared up at the sky. Waiting....

My mother humored me until 8pm when she announced I had to come in for bed. Nonnegotiable. 

I couldn't tell her what I was really up to for fear that she might sabotage it. Not that mom was a mean person but you can never underestimate the sensitivity of celestial matters. 

So I went back inside and into my room, but kept jumping up to at various points of the night to look outside the window. My reasoning was that if my young eyes could catch the sliver of the moon on this night, then three days later if it were to suddenly disappear then at least I could be the voice of rebuttal that it actually was there and could in fact come back -- Back then my grasp of astronomy was 'creative' to say the least.

This went on until Wednesday when I came down to breakfast with my shirt on inside out and my mother realized how sleep deprived I was.

I was forced to confess my plan.  

My mother, God bless her, didn't bust out laughing hysterically at me -- though I did see the corners of her mouth twitch and she quickly turned away under the guise of having to get a glass of water....

But then she came back and patiently explained to me that if the elders didn't see the moon on Thursday then they would surely spot it on Friday. And the only thing this would mean was that Aunt Reema would have to fast one more day.

Well lucky for all of us, the elders did in fact spot the moon on Thursday and so things proceeded happily as planned. Aunt Reema broke her fast and we all had a lovely three day Eid celebration.

All ended well.

But don't think that now, 27 years later, I don't get a flutter of anxiety in my heart near the end of Ramadan in case the moon is not spotted in time. 

....I mean, you can never underestimate the sensitivity of celestial matters.

Happy Eid everyone!

We've all been there

My cousin Amira is the subject of today's entry.

One day following an afternoon of shopping in Los Angeles, where she lives, she came upon a homeless woman who I'll call Lucille. Lucille smiled, said 'hello' and asked for money for food. Amira immediately reached in her wallet and, not finding anything smaller, handed her a ten dollar bill. A passerby who had witnessed this transaction casually said "Well that's very nice of you."

That's when things got awkward.

Racking her brain, trying to think of a suitable response, Amira stammered a bit until she settled on the following gem: "Well, we've all been there."
The stranger smiled politely.
Lucille smiled politely.
Amira cringed as she got in her car.

"Was that terribly stupid of me?" She later asked me.
"To tell a homeless person you'd been in her shoes when you haven't?"
"Her name was Lucille..."
"What did you do next?"
"I got into my car."

Mind you, her 'car' is a BMW SUV. So basically Lucille and the stranger were both left marvelling at this rags-to-riches success story: One day you're on the streets, and the next driving a BMW! --- I'll quickly add in Amira's defense that she bought it used and after much research into a safe vehicle.

We both laughed at the absurdity of the situation.
"Why would you even say anything like that?"
"...I didn't know what else to say!"
'How about nothing? Just smile and go about your business?'
She shrugged in response.
In hindsight she realizes that what she meant to say was 'We COULD all be there,' instead of 'We HAVE all been there' but she got flustered.

And then I realized. Amira wasn't being cavalier. She was just completely awkward because unwanted attention was called to her.

You see, Amira doesn't like to be complimented. Here she was; minding her own business, doing a good deed, when out of nowhere this stranger came and complimented her! What's a gal to do, except stammer and look for the first thing to take the focus off herself? Which in Amira's case, was to establish some sort of camaraderie with Lucille.

Sound far fetched? Maybe. But I too suffer from this malady.
In fact, it's one of the many things which bonds Amira and I, besides mothers who are sisters. Neither of us can really take a compliment. We actually hate it. And in that, we betray our Iraqi roots.

Compliments on what either of us are wearing are often met with the following response: "Thanks...this skirt hides a a multitude of sins." The complimenter then feels obligated to mention that there are no 'sins' to be seen. And then either of us has to protest a little that 'yes there are sins' lest the complimenter think we are fishing for more compliments and....oh this scenario drags on.

For years, there wasn't a picture taken of us that didn't have a piece of spinach or parsley placed deliberately so as to dissuade any comments from our mothers' friends of "Oh look how pretty your daughters are!" Of course we had another motive for doing this - as many of these woman were trawling for a wife for their sons who shared the trait of having too much hair growing out of their nostrils and not enough on their head... But that's another entry and I digress...

I might get angry emails after saying this, but in general, most Iraqis love being the center of attention. And if one doesn't share this desire, then one is not true to their roots. It's as simple as drinking Leban, talking with your hands, or taking forever to say goodbye to someone when you're on the phone with them. Traits shared by authentic Iraqis.

Amira and I might not be authentic Iraqis. We did both grow up in the Midwestern United States where it's not customary to call attention to yourself. Or perhaps we are just two very introverted gals who don't like the spotlight in even the smallest way.

Either way, I told Amira not to worry about her little snafu.
After all we've all been there in some form or another...haven't we?

Too Much Hair to Manage

Thanksgiving at the Beker home has never been traditional. One can say my family doesn't fall into the category of 'TRADITIONAL' in any sense of the word. For instance, mom likes to host Thanksgiving on Friday, instead of Thursday. This, she says, allows my relatives to fly in on Thursday when flights are cheaper and less packed. And what difference does it make anyway when it's all about the whole family together? But when my dad announces on this particular Friday morning that he needs to get his hair cut. Well this just isn't acceptable to mom. "Why are you always cutting your hair? No one cuts their hair more than you! Not even Sami!" "I have too much hair to manage!" he bellows back. Keep in mind this is an 80-year old man we're talking about. Not something you'd normally hear from this age group. He makes a point by mussing up his hair, which creates a nice, silver mohawk on top of his head. "You have no idea how hard it is to handle my hair. I put so much mousse in it and it is still unmanageable!" (.... umm yes, my dad uses mousse, It's why I never need to bring hair product with me when I visit) "Why didn't you take care of this yesterday?" she asks. "Well yesterday was Thanksgiving. Everything was closed.” he counters, with a self-satisfied nod. At this point, I'm thinking Mom might just bite that bullet and host Thanksgiving on its regular day, if only because my dad can't run off anywhere. "Oh and I'm going to the Post Office after to drop some letters, " he adds. ...Oh yeah, that's another hobby of my dad. Besides managing his hair, he LOVES mail. He loves to walk to the community mailbox at the end of the block. He loves to buy stamps. He even loves getting bills! "You and your mail! Why don't I fix you a plate that you can enjoy at the mailbox by yourself?" "Well that would be nice, I'm sure the mailman has not eaten yet today." "The mailman! You are worrying about the mailman?" At this point, I jump in with "Dad, the mailman's fine. I'm sure he ate yesterday when it was thanksgiving for him." Probably not the best thing to say at this point, but luckily she is too focused on my dad to care. They go back and forth, with their bickering until he informs her that the barber only has limited hours today due to the holiday and he really has to go. So he goes. And she simmers for a bit. But then she smiles and says; "Well at least he has hair to manage." I smile. She's right. Not traditional in the least. But I'm perfectly fine with that. Hope you are all having a great thanksgiving weekend with your families. Traditional or not.

Aloha means 'The sign' in Arabic

Recently Layth and I took my parents to Hawaii. It has always been my mother's dream to go there, ever since she was a child in Iraq. She and her siblings would watch two types of films. The first were Westerns and the second were Elvis Presley films. These pretty much informed her idea of America when she was young. In her mind, the country was one vast landscape where handsome, rugged cowboys fought bad guys, rescued beautiful but helpless women, and rode strong white horses into bars where they listened to the hip-shaking music of rockabilly guys wearing leather jackets. Just what you would expect a hybrid of those two genres to yield. She tells a story about how when she first arrived to the States. She and Dad drove cross country, stopping at Knott's Berry Farm in California, and seeing some guy dressed as a Native American (yes, yes I'm using the PC term here even though this took place forty years ago.) Anyway, it was just a costume, but Mom was so moved that she went up to him with tears of empathy about how his land was taken and he was subsequently displaced, and oh how she understood his situation. My dad had to firmly but gently pull her away from the 'Native' American. So she loved Westerns, but equally she was fascinated with Hawaii. It was a paradise you read about in books and saw in movies, such as those Elvis Presley films. In fact, to go back to her vision of America - you've got the cowboys fighting bad guys and saving the frontier. But if you went 20 miles West, you'd find Elvis Presley singing to Ann Margret on a beach blanket. So, this brings me back to my point. Hawaii. Maui. 2009. Many, many years after she'd decided she wanted to visit there she was. Mom was in heaven. The sounds of the ocean, the sun, the fresh air...Heaven. My dad, also enjoyed the trip. But for him it was more of a history and etymology lesson. Dad was convinced that the Hawaiian language had its roots in Arabic. Yep. We would drive by and every sign or name he saw, he would repeat out loud and explain how that word sounded EXACTLY like its Arabic counterpart. It reminded me of that film where the woman's father thinks the Greeks invented everything. For example. ALOHA. A - lo- ha. Well Dad decided that it was the equivalent of the Arabic way of saying AL - LOWHA (with a heavy H sound) which means The Sign. ..okay.... but Aloha in Hawaiian means Hello. And The Sign in Arabic has nothing to do with that. "Well when you tell someone hello, you are giving them a sign." Oh yeah, of what? "That you want to talk to them - that you want to greet them!" he would say calmly, but clearly not understanding why I wasn't grasping this simple concept. Riiiiight.... "Take also for example Makena Beach." Ooh yes, let's go there and watch the sunset! "...Makena comes from the Arabic word for 'place' which is MA-KAHN. See what I mean? When you say let us go to the beach, you are going to a place. Hence the name Makena." At this point I began to fear that dad had too much sun. We tried to bring him inside, but it only encouraged him. He found an Atlas at the hotel sundries store, and sat on the couch in the lobby with a frothy pineapple drink with an umbrella in it. He sipped away as he flipped through the pages, muttering to himself about this word and that. "See even Maui! MAH-WEE also means the color blue, and look at all the blue ocean around us! It is so perfect!" He paused, taking in the magnitude of this discovery. Then another sip of his drink and he resumed his flip, flip, flipping. "Rand McNally! The maker of this map!" What about it? Don't tell me they are-- "--Arabic. Yes!" Really, Dad? McNally? I think that might hail from a little further west...like Ireland... "No look here, it is plain as day. McNally is a shortened version of MA-KAHN ALI. Ali's Place!" ...umm "This fellow Rand must have gone to Ali's place to draw up these maps!" Head spinning, I looked around for Layth, but he'd gone back to the room with mom. I found them there later watching an old Western on television --which must be some sort of head trip for her. I announced to Layth that perhaps for next year's vacation we should go somewhere with less fodder for Dad's etymological Arab-ization. After a moment's thought, Layth suggested Spain. Yes! I nodded in oblivious agreement, Dad could not possibly find any Arabic connections there. ...and then it dawned on me... I'll let you know how it goes next year.

Much Making

So now you know - the concept of dating didn't exist when I was a teenager - at least not for my parents. Actually, it doesnt really exist in the Arabic culture. Not even for the purpose of finding a husband. "GAWD! NO DATING!" you might exclaim. "WELL HOW THE HELL ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO FIND A HUSBAND!? THROUGH SOME SORT OF ARCHAIC METHOD OF ARRANGED MARRIAGE WHERE THE WOMAN DOESN'T EVEN SEE THE MAN. LIKE IN THOSE PLACES WHERE PEOPLE STILL LIVE IN TENTS AND RIDE CAMELS?---OH SORRY.." No no. Don't apologize. There is a truth to that. At least what you may have seen on television. And though I'm sure there are still areas in the world where bride and groom don't see each other until the wedding, or marry someone they have chosen for them, without getting much say in the matter, for the most part it's not like that. It's more advanced. A screening process. (You know, like Match.com or eharmony) The suitors must fit certain criteria - good education, good family, no history of shenanigans involving goats which might plague him - and you - for years. That last thing doesn't happen very often, but it did happen to someone my mom knows back in Basra, so she always uses it as an example. In its simplest form, it's match making...or as my mother pronounces it 'MUCHMAKING,' (the way she says her long A sounds less like 'ah' and more like 'uh.') So yeah - matchmaking. You don't have to pick anyone you don't like. I'm not defending it- I'm just giving you the backstory. For the record, I'm not much of a fan of Much Making. But anyway... When I turned 19, Mom decided that it was time to explore the pool of eligible men in hopes of finding me a husband. It didn't matter that just a year ago, I was considered too young to date. Now suddenly I stood on the precipice of spinsterhood, unless I considered the list of ...ahem...eligible bachelors. Picture this: A photo of a man with thick glasses and uni-brow, stares at us - not even attempting to smile. My mother studies it with the scrutiny of a cartographer checking the accuracy of their work. "This one is studying to be a doctor. He is the brother of your cousin’s Podiatrist. Are you interested in meeting him?" I should tell you that at this point I am very busy doing what someone of my age typically does: lounging comfortably on my bed, flipping through People Magazine and listening to Nirvana on my walkman. I don't have energy for one more task. And I don't try to find the energy either. So I barely look up when my mother holds out the photo, from the huge stack she is flipping through. "No he's out. Too serious." she tosses the photo aside and continues flipping. She stops again. "This one is an engineer" Again, she holds the photo out to me. Again, I ignore it. And yet again, Mom yanks it back. "No...not enough hair on his head and too much coming out of his shirt collar..." Flip. Flip. Flip. "Oh! How about this one?" She shoves the photo on top of my magazine. I startle because I wasn't expecting to see a HUGE-- "he could get that mole removed. Or at least trim the hair in it." We both stare at the photo for a moment, mesmerized. Then finally Mom breaks the spell by tossing it aside. "No, probably too much work." I tolerated these sessions for the most part, by ignoring them. But after a while Mom crossed the line. Like the time I was in English Lit class just waiting for the lunch bell to ring. I opened my binder and a LARGE PHOTO fell at the feet of Misty McCallister, the schools's resident Perfect Blond. Misty picked it up. It was a picture of a nondescript Arab guy. Plain. Bland. Generic. On his face was a yellow post-it note. which read, "What do you think about this guy?" Misty, in her loudest voice turned to me and said."You dropped your mail-order boyfriend." This of course prompted jeers and laughter. And for the rest of the week - I was known as " Desperately Seeking" Or DS for short. Nevermind that it was not a particularly clever name - it got the point across. In my anger, I stuck that photo under the visor of my mom's car - and I drew devil's horns on him and in big block letters wrote "STOP RUINING MY LIFE!" The trouble was, it dropped into Mom's lap as she was backing out of the driveway and startled her so bad that she backed into my Dad's parked car. And I got grounded for a month. Which I guess is fair. Everyone's okay though. ...And the 'Much Making' attempts did end.