Grapes are eaten one by one

My father has a fondness for proverbs.

Okay, let me clarify. My father is an Arab man over the age of 20 so it goes without saying that he has a fondness for proverbs.

He uses them often. Mainly Arabic proverbs, but Dad has been known to venture into other regions.

Like this one from Sweden "Friendship doubles our joy and divides our grief."  That's a nice one right? It gets to the point. It has a nice message.  I mean most proverbs have a good message. But this one has a nice message. I feel cozy just reading it.

Many proverbs are like that. The get to the point. Using as few words as possible. Because that's the idea. We want to remember them so that we may draw upon them in times of strife when teaching our children or addressing our constituents or however we choose to pass along these nuggets of wisdom. If you can't remember a proverb because it's too long or convoluted, chances are you won't use it.  Now, a lot of proverbs don't originate in English, but instead are translated. And still they stay succinct and to the point (see above Swedish example.)

However, many proverbs don't enjoy the same conciseness.  And I'm sorry to say, many of these are Arabic proverbs...Before you accuse me of being anti-Arab just take a look at the title of this blog. I'm the one who hates Leban, remember. So take me with a grain of salt. But bear with me.

Arabic is a language known for being flowery and adding embellishments to a simple statement.  And usually when something goes from Arabic to English, you lose something in the translation. Therefore the simple statement of "Drop Dead" becomes the following:

"May the fleas of a thousand angry camels infest your mother's nostrils" 

or something like that....I exaggerate. I believe the phrase was:

"May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits"

But I'm sure you see my point.  Maybe this is the reason Arabs get the reputation of being passionate (read: angry) But I'm going off topic.  I apologize. Let's just say, some Arabs are passionate. Some are angry. Some are both. Some are neither.

....Anyway, back to proverbs. I was talking about how English proverbs get to the point. Arabic ones...notsomuch. Let's dive into some examples.  English ones first:

EASY COME, EASY GO  - simple right? I get it. Things which come easy are easily lost. 

In Arabic it's WHAT COMES THIS WAY, GOES THIS WAY.

 ..I'm sorry...Which way?  This way? (points to left) or this way? (points to right.) Which frigging way!??

Is it like "In one ear and out the other?"  or is it "Things leave the way they come?"   Now I'm too stressed trying to figure this out and I miss the point!

Some Arabic proverbs are deliberately vague - A BETTER ONE IN ANOTHER ONE instead of the English -- BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME.  I give them points for staying universal. But it could mean anything! Why can't Arabic proverbs just be simple? Some are completely off in left field, like this one  - NOTHING IS FOR FREE, NOT EVEN BLINDNESS AND DEAFNESS....I'm not even going to try to analyze that.   The English version is the 'to-the-point' NO SUCH THING AS A FREE LUNCH. I know I want a free lunch. I don't really care to have blindness or deafness. And now I'm depressed, thinking of having my sight or sound taken away. So it's all a big mess.  Fine, I'll pay for my lunch. Small cost to have all your faculties intact. Is that what the point is...? I tried to ask my father about that particular one and even he couldn't give me a good answer. Actually, I should say, he answered me using a proverb: He told me in life when attempting anything, such as learning proverbs, GRAPES ARE EATEN ONE BY ONE. I was about to wrinkle my brows in my trademark look of dissatisfaction...when I realized I'd recently gotten botox and couldn't really move my face. ...NO, BUT SERIOUSLY, I realized this proverb is a good one. Grapes are eaten one by one. It's true!  It does conjure up an image. You're apt to remember it if you think about the succulent grapes you're biting into and how you can't shove a bunch in your mouth and not appear savage. It kinda works.Take your time. Why rush? I chuckled with delight to this happy realization, then realized that I my goal wasn't to uphold the Arabic proverbs, but to attack them for being vague and redundant.   So I got back to business.  The grapes saying was a fluke. Surely, there were more bad sayings. And I was going to uncover them. So I pressed further with my father. "Okay, Dad, what are some other sayings?" To this he listed three: THE BARBER OPENED UP HIS SHOP, HIS FIRST CUSTOMER WAS BALD. (To start the day off on the wrong foot) A THOUSAND CURSES DO NOT TEAR A ROBE (Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me A FIRE IN THE HEART, BUT NO TEAR IN THE EYE (To keep a stiff upper lip) I guess Dad was saving the best for last because all the Arabic versions of these are spot on. Specially the last one. I never understood what it meant to keep a stiff upper lip...unless you count what most women in Hollywood over 40 do to themselves with plastic surgery. I mean they look like ducks, am I right?...But again, I digress... Maybe there is something to these proverbs. They do paint a nice image and sometimes a strong visual is better than brevity. Take what is now becoming my favorite saying WE MENTIONED THE CAT, IT CAME BOUNDING. (Speak of the Devil) ....Well, cats are cuter than the devil. Got any fun proverbs of your own passed down in your family? Would love to hear them. --Sami

Iraqis take forever to say good-bye

Today I thought I'd just post on something which I once thought was merely a subjective observation, but which after a recent visit to my parents, I now know to be fact.  And that is:

Iraqi people take forever to say goodbye.

Please note this if you ever find yourself speaking to one on the phone, or standing next to one at a social gathering.

You can't just simply say 'goodbye....well you can. But there are stages.

STAGE I is where you stand up, thus signifying the end of the gathering.  Then one by one, everyone else stands up.

In STAGE II you go for the hug or handshake of the host or the most important person in the room (sometimes one and the same.)  This is where you say how great it was to see everyone.  How the dinner was the most delicious food you’ve ever tasted. Where do you find the time? Etc. etc.  The rest of the group must then follow suit. When EVERYONE has completed that activity, the group migrates slowly to the door.

You have now moved to STAGE III.

This is where -- if you're lucky, you make your way out, smiling and waving, get into your car and drive away.

If this is you: CONGRATULATIONS, MAZALTOV, MABROOK and GOOD ON YA!  You have managed to say goodbye in less than ten minutes.  You must be REALLY skilled at this.  That, or you are in fact an Iraqi imposter operating amidst a group of other imposters...Let's assume the former.

If, on the other hand you choose to really do it right, you will linger with the group at the door and make small talk -- perhaps things you didn't touch on during the gathering.  Such as, how your eldest son is doing at school, and does he really like the fencing club he belongs to.  Or, whether your cousin's youngest daughter will ever stop playing tennis on her roommate's Wii, long enough to start looking for a husband. 
Those kinds of questions.

This goes on for six more minutes. Then come the actual goodbyes:

"Goodbye sweetheart we hope to see you very soon!" 
“Yes, sweetheart we must do this again very soon”
“Very soon. Give your mother my best”
“I will, dear. You give your daughter a hug for me, and tell her to eat while she’s at college.  She doesn’t need to lose weight from stress.“
“By the way, did you hear about Yasmeen’s son’s fiancé? She was getting too fat so she had that operation where they put the band in your stomach…”

…..you get the point.

Which brings me to my own method of saying goodbye.

I’m actually downright perfunctory in my style.  I've been accused of being rude at times.  One time,  a woman told me that she turned away for one second and then turned back to find me gone and only a spinning chair left in my wake.  To be fair, this person was my boss and I was in fact at work eight hours longer than I had wanted to be on that particular day...but I digress.

My goodbye usually takes less than two seconds.
"Bye.” 
It’s clean.
Short.
To the point.
Ends with a pleasant ‘eee’ sound if you choose to draw it out…
I’m quite happy with it.

It's easy to say goodbye when you're face to face.  You can drop a few visual clues, such as looking at your watch or slinging your purse over your shoulder.  On the phone it's a bit more challenging.  Usually you have to do the "Soooo anyway" business.  This is pretty universal.  I believe Ellen DeGeneres did a routine about it. 
Which is why I won't. She's funnier than me.

Suffice it to say, it’s a transition out of your conversation and off the phone.
As in "Soooo anyway, I better get off the phone."  Or "Sooo anyway, I've got tons of ironing to do tonight."  Or "Sooo anyway...my cat seems to have started a small fire in my sock drawer."  That last one was made up -- I don't have a sock drawer.
……….
Sooo anyway, before this starts to ramble too much I will end this entry.

Goodbye. Thanks for reading. 
As always, thoughts and comments are welcome.**

**(I had to add that last part in order not to be too perfunctory)

A New Direction?

Okay,

I haven't been very good about posting to this blog for some time now. And some of you have noticed.  You ask me, 'What's going on?" Is your family not funny anymore?  Others have wondered why I don't comment on current topics, such as the liberation in Egypt and ongoing Qaddafi situation...and by the way, how come you see his name spelled so many different ways? As my friend said, "No dictator should be that irritating!" But I digress....

The point is, I started this blog to talk about what it's like growing up Arab in the United States.  When you're stuck in the middle. You're neither a 100 percent Arab - who loves the music of Um Kulthum and consuming baba Ghanouj (or as this blog suggests, Leban (ick).   Nor are you 100 percent American, who grew up with regular sit-down family dinners where you talk about your day.  Those lovely rituals which are now proving to be exteremly important to the emotional growth and well being of children - Take heed Arab parents!

And if you're an Arab girl, you get the added benefit of not being able to date until somewhere around your 21st birthday, when suddenly the clock begins ticking loudly toward your spinsterhood and you're hysterically encouraged to find someone, ANYONE!....and don't worry, he can probably get that hairy mole on his cheek removed.

...you see the dilemma we face?

And that's what the blog was originally going to be about. 

But recently my friend Melanie suggested I comment on current events even so far as to delve into religious topics.  Not being overly political, I told her I didn't feel comfortable doing so. And besides, I don't want to piss off anyone with a religious bend, one way or another. To this Melanie thumbed her perfect ski-slope nose and said, "What's the point, if you can't piss anyone off?" 

She really did thumb her nose. She has this irritating tendency to always draw attention to her tiny nose when she's around me. Like the time she insisted she had a zit and we had to pull out a magnifying mirror to see it, and it turned out to be a freckle perched cutely on the side. AND for the record, she talks a big game about me making my voice heard, when I don't see her ever publicly comment on anything remotely political herself. Last year she told our friend James Sanchez to cancel his spa retreat trip with his wife to Sedona, Arizona in protest of SB1070 on principal. She said it would be different if his last name were Smith and this way state officials would get the message. ...Come to think of it, why am I listening to Melanie?...

But she brings up a point.

And so I turn it to you guys --- because I'm indecisive and also because I want a scapegoat in case this idea blows up --- HA! See what I did? I used the words 'blow up' when discussing something about religion....That's the kinda stuff you're talking about right, Melanie?

 Is it time to get political-ish? Or keep the conversation about family and personal issues.

Oh, and my mother already weighed in, and said "You should write more serious things! No one wants to laugh at Arabs. People are tired of comedy." 

So there you go.  What do you guys think?